Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

The Following is a brief review of Transformers through the eyes of a Michael Bay fan:

Dude! Transformers was fucking awesome man! It was like proper action packed. If you liked the first then you'll love the second even more. There are more fucking huge robots this time round and its also fucking hilarious. The bit where the mum character gets high on campus was awesome. Go see it its proper immense! 5 STARS

Now for the real review:

You may remember 10 years ago the fever pitch of anticipation that awaited The Phantom Menace. The advertising campaign, the merchandise, the legions of fans (myself included) awaiting day by day to see the finished product. Then as it was released the response of fans, critics and casual cinemagoers goers alike ended up being somewhat lukewarm. Of the many issues people had with it there was one that stuck out more than the rest; Jar Jar Binks. A comedic creation so unbelievably stupid who was put there purely for comic relief.

Now you may wonder why I am mentioning The Phantom Menace in a Transformers review. Well its simply because we are once again treated to a character equally stupid as Jar Jar Binks. Twice in fact, twin transformers who spend most of the film tagging along with our main heroes purely for the purpose of cheap gags. It doesn't stop there either we are also treated to a moronic mini robot who transforms into a remote control car, an aged transformer who whines about the modern generation of transformers and many more.

The human cast are equally guilty of this, in fact probably about two thirds of the cast are portrayed as bumbling morons for no particular reason. This leads to a string of really corny gags such as Sam Whitwicky's (Shia Labouef) college room mate running out of a public toilet in a museum with his pants down asking for more toilet paper purely as a distraction. Another moment has Sam's mother on his college campus getting high on weed and humiliating her son. John Tutturo is also a lost cause. Rest assured people the action scenes play second fiddle to the corny gags.

Despite some impressive action set piece there is little in the way of plot. The film has Sam and his hot girlfriend Mikela (Megan Fox) travelling to Egypt to recover a 'Matirx of leadership' in order to save Optimus Prime whilst at the same time Megatron is ressurected and sets about trying to get the films other villain The Fallen to return for whatever reason. This brings me to another problem with the film, The Fallen is meant to be the title character and the focus is supposed to be on him getting vengence yet he ends up playing such an insignificant role and is a completely unmenacing villain. In fact many of the robots whether good or bad barely get anything to do, Autobots Ironhide and Ratchet from the first film merely get a fleeting glimpse. Oh and what the fuck was the deal in Sam going to robo-heaven and being sent back down to Earth?

People may defend this film with such quotes as "Well its just good fun, its hardly trying to be shakespeare is it?" Fair point, however there have been other films that are pure escapist entertainment such as Raiders of The Lost Ark and Star Trek and they havent ended up being shit like this film. Others will say "Its good for what it is!" To those people I say "No its not! Its not! ITS NOT!" It truly is a great shame that 3 out of 4 films I've seen recently have been bollocks, the others being Wolverine and Terminator 4.

This film does boast several action set pieces however even this aspect fails to impress due to the fact that it is intercut with more gags than a Roger Moore Bond film. Even high quality CGI can't possible save this $200 million train wreck.

So There you have it, my most hostile review yet! Sorry to all the Transformers fans. Word has it however that Michael Bay is considering packing this franchise in and letting someone else direct the next installment because apparently he is fed up of being constantly slagged off, gee I wonder why that is. Lets hope they get a proper director in for the next one, James Cameron would be an awesome choice, fingers crossed!

Transformers 2 is nothing more than a hot steaming turd of a film, a blip on a radar of tacky shit films, albiet one that will gross a fortune. This 'product' truly fails as a film. It represent every vile about Hollywood. SHIT! Right that me done griping, I'm now off to watch Batman and Robin and The Clone Wars back to back.

1 STARS

Terminator Salvation

When it was first announced that a Terminator 4 was in the works I wondered why? Do we really need another one? The previous one felt unnessacary, how long can they possibly milk a cash cow for? I then discovered that it would actually be the first in a planned ‘new trilogy’ of terminator films, oh dear I thought. Then it was announced that Christian Bale would be playing the lead character John Conner, which then led me to wonder why after starring as the best Bruce Wayne/Batman he felt the need to take on another franchise role (I later discovered that he reluctantly accepted). Worse of all was the news that McG (yes that’s his name) the man who directed the god awful Charlie’s Angels movie would be de-facing this franchise. I predicted a disaster, yet I had to see it, after all it is Terminator!

After watching the film last night at my local multiplex, I can sadly inform you that my suspicion have been justified. Set in 2018 the film tell the story of Conner (Bale) leading the human resistance in the war against the machines. Stuff blows up and then the film end. However there is another element that is introduced. The film start out in a death row detention cell in 2003 just prior to judgement day where convicted murderer Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) is about to be executed when he is given a second chance of life if he signs his body away to medical science. He then awakes in 2018 without a clue of where he is or what is going on. Eventually he discovers that he is half human/ half machine (yes I just gave away the plot twist just like the trailer does). This proves to be quite an interesting idea and Worthington plays it fairly well although ultimately it proves to be unnessacary and distracts us from the more pivotal characters John Conner and Kyle Reese.

Acting wise the script offers the cast very little to work with. Dialogue consists of such lines like ‘Fire!’ ‘Run!’ and various tactical jargen. Christian Bale is the biggest victim of this, his John Conner is left with virtually nothing of any importance to do and his performance is just plain flat. I’ve always thought he does a good job in any role he plays (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, American Psycho, The Prestige, Empire of the Sun, etc) but here he is just short changed. One cringe worthy moment has him quote the classic Arnie phrase “I’ll be back!” albeit in a completely different manner. I can sympathise with his much publicised on set outburst.

I think what made this film so weak was the script. It has very little emphasise on character, the plot isn’t going anywhere, it felt pointless and was merely just an excuse to show lots of explosions. In other words you might as well have sat and watch a mate play a computer game. Another problem was McG’s inability as a director to tell a story well.

It wasn’t a complete dead loss however. Some of the battle scenes have a real war like feel to them, one thing McG did do well. Anton Yelchin does a sufficient job as a teenage Kyle Reese and Arnie sort of makes a brief appearance at the end of the film.

Overall this film felt thoroughly pointless and can never be regarded in the same manner as any of the other terminator films, which is a shame really.

2 STARS